When we think of the word, hand-me-down, what comes to mind? Maybe some old clothing that gets handed down from a sibling, or possibly an artifact that used to belong to your great-grandmother and has been in the family for generations. Basically, most people think of hand-me-downs as something second-hand, something that’s been used before.
But what about generation or emotional hand-me-downs? Don’t feelings, thoughts, and beliefs come from somewhere? You see, throughout our lives, we develop intricate behavioral patterns and take on certain traits that don’t necessarily come from an innate place. By the time we reach adulthood, we can be pretty set in our ways, whether these attitudes, actions, thoughts, and outlooks present themselves in a healthy way or a very dysfunctional manner.
Regardless, sometimes we wonder, where did this come from? Well, we can look at it this way, just like an item can be passed down through generations, so can the way we view ourselves and the way we view others. Has anyone ever said, to you, “Wow you are just like your mother or father!” In most instances, the answer is yes, because in one way or another, you have taken on a generational or emotional hand-me-down from a parent. These tend to be unconscious moments in your day-to-day life where you respond to others in identical ways your parents responded to you.
Let’s say, for example, a mother is deathly afraid of thunder and lightning and equates thunderstorms with death. She raises a daughter and constantly expresses her unrelenting fear of rain, wind, and thunder. The daughter in turn takes on this emotional hand-me-down and makes it her own. She then goes through life trembling and shaking every time she feels a raindrop with the fear that her life will soon end if she happens to get caught in a storm.
Now let’s look at a different example. Let’s say that a man is raised in an emotionally and mentally abusive environment. He is discouraged from showing any emotion and is taught that sharing feelings is a sign of weakness. His emotional needs are constantly belittled or dismissed. He is expected to be a
“man” and if he does not demonstrate the utmost dominance, then he suffers the consequences from his father. This in turn leads the man to experience depression and anxiety as a result of harboring feelings of inadequacy and emotional invalidation. This also prevents him from forming healthy relationships and establishing clear and respectful communication with others. This man then has a son of his own and begins to consciously and unconsciously “hand down” these learned behaviors and self-concepts. His son then grows up with these same values, becomes insecure and self-absorbed, and demonstrates abusive behavior toward others.
Both of these examples can be referred to as generational hand-me-downs. From one generation to the next there is a passing on of something that the next of kin takes on, shapes and molds, and eventually makes their own.
BUT WHAT MOST PEOPLE DON’T REALIZE IS THAT ITS NOT THEIRS!
The uncontrollable terror that results from feeling a drop of rain never belonged to the daughter, just as the feelings of inadequacy, emptiness, and low self-esteem never belonged to the son. These things were never theirs. They were simply handed down to them.
The beautiful part of this realization is the knowingness that we have the ability to say, ‘No that does not belong to me, it never did. So I am giving it back.”
Of course, this takes work and a whole lot of deep diving into one’s personal history and upbringing. How else would we have taken on these characteristics?We need to go back to the origin in order to find our answers.
This can be very scary and daunting at first, but by beginning to uncover how our past familial experiences or generational hand-me-downs connect to our present, the positive changes that can take place within us can be nothing short of miraculous.
Why do this? What good can come out of delving into some very painful places that we never want to remember?
As a therapist, I can tell you that the benefits immensely outweigh the risks. By unpacking these hand-me-downs we can finally understand why we choose certain relationships or are drawn to certain types of people who may or may not be beneficial to our growth. We can learn how to communicate and interact in healthier and more appropriate ways, as opposed to harboring old feelings, holding grudges, and blaming others for our behavior. We can heal childhood wounds and process losses and emotional injuries that have traveled with us well into adulthood. We can build resilience, develop coping skills to manage stress, and ultimately acquire life skills that go well beyond the scope of treatment.
Simply put, our thinking, feeling, and doing come from somewhere. Generations imprint on one another, and behavioral patterns are passed down through our ancestral lineage. By acknowledging, accepting, and processing our emotional histories we open ourselves up to a higher, healthier quality of life. Imagine being able to pinpoint where a behavior comes from, and know that it never belonged to you in the first place. Not all hand-me-downs are meant to fit! By embracing this concept, we can literally form an image in our minds of physically handing back these worn-out, non-functional, conditioned thought patterns.
In conclusion, breaking free from inherited pain can create a foundation of healing, resilience, and inner peace. We no longer have to feel trapped by our circumstances or distressing emotional wounds. This shift in perspective creates an openness to new experiences, ideas, and goals, seeing challenges as a way to expand rather than diminish our potential. Emotional freedom replaces feelings of confinement, in which we can be more present, calm, and able to enjoy life without the weight of perceived limitations. In other words, we never have to accept another “hand-me-down” ever again. We get to begin again, we get to start new.